The Bed That Would Not Allow You To Bang

I feel compelled to tell my tale to prevent others from following in my folly. For you see I was the subject of a very peculiar curse, one that engulfed my furniture thus not allowing me to properly entertain my female companions. I know this sounds crass and fictionalized, but I assure you this tale comes as a warning to all those who are unable to participate in amorous congress with their associates. However, I fear I am getting ahead of myself, I shall go back to the commencement of my troubles.

It all began on a crisp autumn afternoon after a rather marvelous date with a comely woman whom I had become acquainted with through Tinder. For you see we had dinned at a local pub where we both enjoyed our fair share of liquor. By the time the waitstaff notified us that we had to evacuate the premises I took the opportunity to suggest we move our rendezvous to my residence which was a short Uber ride away. To my delight, she accepted the proposal.

After our ride, and a fair amount of necking, we found ourselves in my domicile, stumbling our way towards my bedchamber. Once on the bed, I removed her undergarments exposing cupid’s kettle drums and gently laid her on the covers where I proceed to tip the velvet. Once I tickled her fancy, I made my way north where I embraced her and proceed to battle with Venus.

It was at this moment that I noticed a slight problem, any attempt at propelling myself was counteracted by the bed, resulting in a disappointing loss of momentum. I attempted several times to no avail, I was unable to properly strum my female companion. After several lackluster attempts my instrument became faltered in its duty.

At this moment my companion had grown weary of my attempts and called it off. I attempted to convince her that this was a most unusual event, she assured me that this occurrence was not unheard of among most gentleman. Thus, we both slumbered together but with our inner needs unfulfilled.

I paid no mind to this event and went along my merry way, unbeknownst to me was the fact this would hardy be an isolated incident.

As the weeks went by I decided to talk to my lady friend Emma, who was still nursing a broken heart from her previous entanglement. Resulting in us having a mutually beneficial companionship.

That night she came to my abode with a sly wicked smile that I had grown to enjoy, for it usually lead to a devilish encounter. As we waited for the Uber to bring us our supper, we began necking with the intensity of flames. Before I perceived what was going on, she had already unleashed my fiddle and began playing the bagpipes with enthusiasm.

Luckily I was saved by the driver from an embarrassingly early release. As we enjoyed supper I was able to compose myself and prepare for the battle that would rage afterwards.

Soon enough we both found ourselves heading to my bedchamber where she removed her undergarments and prepared to battle like St. George and the dragon. However, my motions were thwarted by the very furniture I was laying on.

After countless useless attempts at scrumping my lady friend, my arrow lost its course mid-flight and we both had to settle with slumbering without our needs met.

Wondering what was occurring, I decided to share my tale with my dear friend Steven, he believed me to be jesting, but once I assured him of my seriousness he commented that maybe it was my bed that was preventing me from being intimate with my female guests, I replied LOL even tho my laughter was hardly out loud, for I figured that some truth lay in his statement.

The best course of action was for me to reconnect with my lady friend Emma, I recounted her of my dilemma and asked to aid me, to which she agreed. We decided to kill the canary, while we spend our entire day testing my new hypothesis.

Thus, on that Wednesday afternoon we discovered that it was the bed that would not allow us to bang. That very afternoon I decided to discard the furniture and entertain my lady friends on other furnishings in my abode. Whilst I sleep on my couch.

However, before I abandoned my bed I decided to write this warning and attach. For you see dear reader this is the bed that will not allow you to bang.